Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
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Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn鈥檛, it鈥檚 shaped like an Italian car, didn鈥檛 you read my name?
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I have a divorce case where I鈥檓 seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 馃槀
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
When people don鈥檛 say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it鈥檚 not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they鈥檙e about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
*lint rolls you awake*
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don鈥檛 need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I鈥檒l take 10 then.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what鈥檚 for dinner?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?