Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
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The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said