Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@kumailn : Just ate a glazed donut flavored protein bar. It tasted like someone describing a donut to me while I shove sawdust into my mouth.
@kumailn: "Forget our mess. I'll go into the beauty of the natural world."
*Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby*
"I'll go back to the news."
@kumailn: My new year's resolution is that donuts have no calories.
@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.
@kumailn: If I had a time machine I'd go back 10 years and tell myself "Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to."
@kumailn: "My advice to you: subtlety." - The Joker, to Trump
@kumailn: [God making trees]
God: "They're alive but not. Every now & then they drop food."
Angel: "I don't--"
God: "Also they breathe the opposite."
@kumailn: Why didn't we learn about essential oils in school? I mean, that shit is ESSENTIAL. Should've been the first lesson!
@kumailn: Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver's eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.
@kumailn: Every chef on Chopped's like "I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao."