Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
☠️☠️☠️
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.