Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of kumailn's best tweets

@kumailn : Pitch: child wishes to become big & does. Gets job at toy company & his youthful perspective doesn't help cuz he's got the brain of a child.

@kumailn: I'm gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.

@kumailn: "You calling them Nazis is what turned them into Nazis."
I've been calling my cat a "gorgeous little muffin" for years so now I'm terrified.

@kumailn: Just ate a glazed donut flavored protein bar. It tasted like someone describing a donut to me while I shove sawdust into my mouth.

@kumailn: "Forget our mess. I'll go into the beauty of the natural world."
*Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby*
"I'll go back to the news."

@kumailn: My new year's resolution is that donuts have no calories.

@kumailn: Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I've ever read. Until the next text from my mom.

@kumailn: If I had a time machine I'd go back 10 years and tell myself "Write down the names of all the people you loan stuff to."

@kumailn: "My advice to you: subtlety." - The Joker, to Trump

@kumailn: [God making trees]
God: "They're alive but not. Every now & then they drop food."
Angel: "I don't--"
God: "Also they breathe the opposite."