Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
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I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Fries, not lies.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.