Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
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if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”