Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys