Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
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ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Damn what did I do next
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
men are simple creatures
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!