My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
You Might Also Like
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
This 4th of July, please remember…