BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
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My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
i spent way too long on this
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?