Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Always the camel, never the toe.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.