My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
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Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
The happy life.. 😊
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.