@kyry5: [God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought "what if I made my bathmat a murderer?"
@kyry5: One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
@kyry5: [Girl's night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven't had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man's GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
@kyry5: The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
@kyry5: The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
@kyry5: Me: "This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones"
"Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys"
@kyry5: At a business meeting:
"How about SuperCupid?"
"No, expectations will be too high"
@kyry5: I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don't get why people have jobs.
@kyry5: Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you're handling this really insensitively