Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.