Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
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hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Good news
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.