me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
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A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag