Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
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Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.