Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
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Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
put ‘er there pardner!
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.