[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
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Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Great acting.. 😂
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.