I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
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I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
As the Lord intended
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”