“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
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“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Pikachu found the lost joint
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.