Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too