The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
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13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
New Tinder profile.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach