I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
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Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
All. The. Damn. Time.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Best table by far
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
real
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.