Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
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“Miss me yet?” – 2019
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.