I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
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If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.