*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
You Might Also Like
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey