Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
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MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta