My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
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Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
This is me
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
pls suprot
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.