So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
That eye roll….
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited