Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
You Might Also Like
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Very good news from my accountant
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction