Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
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Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys