Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of lazerdoov's best tweets

@lazerdoov : Went to my uncle's funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

@lazerdoov: *bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

@lazerdoov: *on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

@lazerdoov: *in a job interview*

No no it's not a teardrop tattoo it's supposed to be sweat. It shows I'm a hard worker

@lazerdoov: The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

@lazerdoov: Pretty lame how horses and dogs don't capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

@lazerdoov: If you're wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

@lazerdoov: Break into your neighbor's house every night but don't take anything just put a cape on their dog

@lazerdoov: *bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

@lazerdoov: Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I'm super nice just trying to figure out why I can't breathe when I eat chips