Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
2022: I can fix it
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt