Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question