Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
cat faces on other animals, a thread
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
“what that mouth do?” complain
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.