Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
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Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
rapatouille
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?