I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
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Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Note to self: always read the final line
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Just this preview of the story is enough
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE