There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?