As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
You Might Also Like
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”