Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
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I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.