@lemonmartinis: Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
@lemonmartinis: I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
@lemonmartinis: 9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said "He's thirsty and likes to lick himself." I couldn't argue with that.
@lemonmartinis: How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute
@lemonmartinis: Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together - Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll