Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
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I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[montage of me giving-up]
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.