I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
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[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
This sounds bad:
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]