Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
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Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
me refusing to leave twitter
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
What
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Poetry is my passion
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice