Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first