I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
You Might Also Like
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine