My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
You Might Also Like
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
One venti cheeseburger please.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “