Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
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Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”