– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
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My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.