INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
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[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.