Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
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BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.