So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
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Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Not messing around
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired