Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
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Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.